Gazette’s Guide to Ethical Eating
by Gene Franks
If you can do this with gusto, you are a genuine carnivore (soon, probably, to be an ex-carnivore, since you will likely succumb to salmonella poisoning). If you can’t do this, you are a vegetarian. To confirm the result, repeat the test using an apple. If you can butcher the apple without remorse and eat it in its natural state, you are definitely a vegetarian.
Eating as far from ourselves as possible in our mutual eating society requires no special training. One can easily see that a potato is less like us than a pig. For those who argue that plants, too, are alive, I agree. That is precisely why, unlike animal corpses, they are such perfect food for us. Live food is easily assimilated, but dead food makes graveyards of our bodies.
We must never forget that we, too, are predators in the mutual eating society. Plants are our natural prey. We should eat them with reverence and respect. Most ot us have not evolved to the point where we can support our lives on such distant substances as air, as some saintly people are said to do. For most, plants are as far as we can get from ourselves, and they are in every way our ideal food. Nature has wisely arranged things so that we exist in a different time zone from our natural food source. This offers us the insulation from remorse necessary for predators. Substances that writhe in agony or cry out in pain when killed are too near us to be suitable food.