Bush Announces Ultimate Weapon Against Evil Ones

by Hardly Waite, Gazette Senior News Analyst

June 24, 2002

The White House today announced that the government will step up its efforts to reduce basic freedoms and civil liberties of Americans in an effort to reduce the threat of terrorist attacks.

President Bush, appearing at a late-morning meeting in the Rose Garden, told reporters and a small group of White House insiders that since it is freedom that the Evil Ones hate us for, it only makes sense to reduce freedom in an effort to reduce the risk of attacks.

“The Evil Doers,” he said, “will not rest as long as Americans have freedom.  So we can undersize their threatability by cutting down on our excessive freedoms.”   Bush then made reference  to an opinion survey of Evil Doers conducted by UPI International which polled a broad sampling of terrorists worldwide in an effort to determine Evil Ones’ views on American freedom. “What they hate us for most,” Bush said, “is our freedom to criticize elected officials and to check out whatever library books we want. Therefore, we have to take decisive action to fix these things up.”

Bush did not elaborate, but Press Secretary Ari Fleisher later hinted to reporters that the administration would be sending to Congress a bill to facilitate the confiscation of library check-out records.

“The President feels,” Fliesher said, “that the events of September 11 could have been prevented had the FBI been able to monitor library check-outs.”

Mrs. Bush, a former librarian, is believed to have contributed her expertise in the formulation of the soon-to-be-announced administration plan to seize the records of libraries suspected of checking out books to known or potential Evil Doers.